When We Have Given Our Everything
by poonjavie
Summary: Commander Shepard gets a moment to herself on-board the Normandy. As she becomes lost in her memories, a surprise visitor arrives. Implied Shep/Garrus. Mild language. No spoilers.


She had already given up so much. In fact she had given up almost everything. Her family, her friends, her loved ones. She had given up her right to freedom, her right to peace, her future, and her right to sleep through an entire night. Shepard had even given up her own life once already. And she wouldn't hesitate to give it up again. She didn't want to die, oh no. Shepard's thirst for life was unquenchable.  
It's just that this fight was about so much more than what she wanted. She couldn't afford to be selfish. Not even when it came to her own death.  
Lost in thought, Shepard's hands were so tightly wound around the railing that her fingers were ashen white. But she didn't even notice. Her thoughts were millions of miles, and a few years away.  
Images of crashing ships, of screaming people,civilians buried in rubble, of posters of lost children, of her crew, her old comrades, her new ship-mates, reapers, friends long since dead. They all flooded her mind. It was a never-ending procession. For once the Starboard Observatory was empty. No Samara, no Liara, no crew. No one to bother her. In fact, it was too empty. None of her friends were with her. No show of strength,or reassurances that they were bad-ass enough to bring down the threats. She couldn't even hear the distant laughter of Joker as he teased EDI. This room was dead silent.

She was almost entirely alone on the Normandy. Her crew had gone off-board to catch their breath on the Citadel. Only the skeleton crew was here.

Mirrored in her pale eyes was the twinkling lights of countless stars. They danced over her face, promising eternal life and beauty in the universe. They lied. The only thing out in that vast infinity was death, and the distant hope that she could save the multiple species that depended on her.  
It was a heavy weight. Shepard was good at brushing it off, staying strong. Years of practice had taught her to not let anything show her inner struggles. They were buried deep, deep in her gut, where even she was usually unaware of them. But once in a while, they crept out and overwhelmed her. After all, she was only human.  
When the deaths on your hands became too numerous to count, one would assume you would start to forget some. Sadly, she remembered every one. Every bullet she fired into another creature, every fallen comrade. That was the price you paid to save the universe. Mentally she shrugged. If she could carry the burden of every decision ever made, she would. It was easier to take on all responsibility and spare everyone else the necessity.  
Soon her thoughts shifted to when she was brought back from the dead. Unlike many people's stories she had no memory of when she was actually deceased. She just remembered the crash, what seemed like a very long dreamless sleep, and her awakening. Her first thoughts when she awoke were of joy. She was alive. Despite everything, she was given a second chance at life. Relief and joy flooded her veins. Hope was her second emotion. Had she defeated the Reapers? Was humanity safe? Her crew? And the when the cold hard facts hit her, she was tempted to wallow in regret and self-pity. Why was she forced to live a second life through these hardships? Why did she have to give more when she had already died once for this cause? But she didn't let herself go there. Couldn't let herself go there. Wouldn't be the weak one. She was mother-fucking Shepard, not just some poor woman who couldn't change anything. So she gathered her nerves, and strode purposefully back into the war. It was all she could do.

But now... alone on the Normandy, surrounded by death and sorrow and the memories of two lives lived in war... Now she almost felt it. That sweet despair that she had so far avoided.  
All of a sudden the whoosh of the door opening caught her attention. Her grip relaxed on the railing but she didn't turn around. Footsteps sounded as whoever it was drew closer. Shepard closed her eyes, listening. The steps were heavy, and spaced widely. A male. As the person got next to her she could smell his scent. The beginnings of a smile made her lips twitch.

"What are you doing here Garrus?" She asked him, finally turning to look at him. The tall turian was leaning against the rail, watching her quietly with piercing glacial eyes.

"I got bored on Citadel. Too many people either running around like decapitated chickens, or shopping like it's any other day. I needed to go back where I felt sane."

"You came to the wrong place then." She joked. "Normandy is far from sane right now."

Garrus laughed and shook his head. "Yeah I know. But at least I can...uh, calibrate some stuff here." His voice was low, rumbling.

This finally made Shepard smile. "Mhmm. Calibrate. Right."

Now it was Garrus' turn to laugh. "Captain, you mock my honor."  
"Ahhh, what turian honor?" Shepard smirked. Garrus just shook his head in mock anger. Then he fell silent, simply watching her. Shepard looked away from his gaze to collect herself.

More than almost anyone else in this universe she trusted Garrus. Out of all of her friends she knew he would have her back through hell and back and never once question her. He was truly loyal. And she loved him.  
But she also hated him. Shepard knew that she was leading him to certain death, and his blind loyalty angered her wished he was fighting this war for his own motives, but he wasn't. He was giving up his everything because it was the right thing to do, and because he knew Shepard needed him. It made her sick to think of losing him. To know deep inside that was would literally be leading him through a true hell. But she was Shepard remember? She was the one who had to carry the burden of those hard decisions. It was her responsibility.

Quickly she stood on tip-toe and kissed him. He blinked at her in surprise.  
"Let's go calibrate something Garrus." She smirked at him.  
"Uh, right, yeah, calibrate." Eagerly he grabbed her hand and led her to her room.

If she was to lose everything, at least she could forget it for a few moments, when she was with him... Shepard smiled and pushed Garrus along faster


End file.
